Example of additonal online resources to work with between one to one sessions

Now for a short summary of each of the various stages in rebuilding to provide you with an overview.




In ending a relationship and exploring rebuilding their lives people are drawn from all backgrounds, some are male some female, some are older some are younger and some wealthy and I mention this because often people think that only those who are losers cannot maintain a relationship.

Some people are ready for this first step whilst others are still shocked by what has happened and cannot think beyond the day before them. Many people in my groups told me how they were waiting for their ex-partner to wake up, knock on the door and tell them that it had all been a nasty dream.

It is natural for you to feel confused and disorientated with even the simplest issue taking on untold demands and you are feeling so unlike the person you used to be. Many people tell me during this stage that :

" I feel dumfounded. I honestly thought this would never happen to me. "

In this initial stage you may be punishing yourself with statements like

" If only I had listened more; if only I hadn't
been so angry

if only...if only and the list goes on.

Through this relationship you have learned a great deal about life and about yourself and such insights are a tangible part of who you are now and your awareness. Better to say 'I did the best I could with what I knew and what I had to work with' and such a statement you are starting to be who you really are.

Module One Recovery and Stage One Denial Sample Audio




It is natural to feel extreme loneliness when a relationship ends. Recovery can and will come from such pain if you listen and allow this all important natural process to unfold so you can grow through loneliness to the stage of aloneness where you are comfortable being by yourself.

When working with people and listening to those going through this process as I have done in my thirty give year career I saw various kinds of loneliness. There are the people who have withdrawn into their cave and just peer out sullenly, looking very sad and dejected. Then there are those who insist on being with someone else, so they always are holding hands or following somebody around. Then there are the busy people where they are always doing this and that so they never have to face their loneliness.

Loneliness is pain but in such pain we are being shown something that we have to learn. Loneliness can be like a vacuum where the person deals with this by sucking everyone around them in to fill their void.

However, It is not just have been present at a time when they have ended a relationship because for many it began in childhood and may be a stumbling block for years to come in their life. In our work together we explore all facets of your own process so that you can move from loneliness to a balanced, positive stage of aloneness enabling you to make decisions for YOUR future.

 Module One Recovery and Stage One Loneliness to Aloneness Sample Audio




Here is the scoreboard:

Dumpers end the relationship

Dumpees have it ended for them

Naturally the adjustment process differs since dumpers feel more guilt and dumpees feel more rejection.

Dumpers start their adjustment process while still in the relationship but dumpees start adjusting later after the ending of the relationship.

For the
mutuals (those who jointly decide to end the relationship) the adjustment process is somewhat easier.

At this point in our work t I am going to present four key concepts that are very closely intertwined but also I should point out that it may get confusing at times. We are going to be viewing the two main people in the end of a relationship drama as the dumper or the dumpee and we will be exploring the nature of two very strong feelings which accompany the trauma of relationship endings -


There are different groups of people at this stage in the recovery process.

Those who walk around in shock, lying on the ground trying to get their emotional wind back

(2) or
those walking around looking guilty and trying not to look at those on the ground.

(3) then there are the others who are
walking around holding hands with their former partner

We work through various responses and associated feelings so that you can deal with and let go of these powerful feelings of guilt and rejection to embrace the next, all important, rebuilding stage.

Module One Recovery and Stage One Guilt & Rejection Sample Audio




Grief is a very important part of the process when a relationship is ending or has ended and so you need to work through these emotions in order to move on fully to the next stage. Here, initially, we will intellectually explore the stages of grief so that you become emotionally aware of grief process to enable you to do the grieving that you have been afraid to embrace and experience. We will work through this challenging process in our one to one sessions.

We are now working with one of the most difficult and emotionally draining aspects of the rebuilding process for whenever there is loss of something important in our lives we suffer grief. For death there is a set ritual with funeral, coffin and the acceptance that grieving is important. In ending a relationship there are no prescribed rituals other than a court hearing, the packing up of a home and informing friends and family that you are now single and so grief is often not acknowledged or accepted and that the death of a relationship is also a powerful cause for us to grieve.

Many forms of loss happen when a relationship ends which many people grieve over. There is the loss of a future; the sharing of a future as a couple, of love, of partner and lover and the social status of being a couple and then there is the loss of role both personally and within society and all that that communicates both to us and those around us. So for many people the loss of the relationship is as important as the loss of the partner.

Module One Recovery and Stage One Grief Sample Audio



You will feel powerful rage when your relationship ends. Feeling anger is a natural, healthy part of being human. However, anger is different from aggression which is a destructive form of expressing anger.

It is not healthy to keep your anger locked up inside and neither is it to expresses such anger aggressively. You can learn to express both your anger over the ending of your relationship along with everyday anger constructively.

Relationship anger is extreme rage, vindictiveness, and bitterness which at times seems overpowering. It is a special kind of anger that we usually have not experienced before and many of our friends who are still in relationships do not understand it either unless they have gone through the breakdown and end of a relationship.

You may try to keep this anger inside and not express it and this can result in reactive depression because one cause of such intense sadness is anger not being expressed. The dumper does not express it because he/she feels guilty and the dumpee fears the other person will not come back so both are 'nice' for a while, except that they feel a lot of intensely sad thoughts and feelings.

Anger is expressed in violent ways many times. Many people, given the opportunity while they are angriest, will commit an act of violence. It is crucial at such times to be able to restrain ourselves and find more suitable methods of expressing these feelings of rage and vindictiveness. Also we can find more constructive uses of anger than destroying ourselves with depression and psychosomatic problems (headaches, body tension, ulcers, and the like.) Also, since the fires of anger can spread to other rebuilding stages, if we can work our way through this block, we will have much less trouble handling the other all important parts on our rebuilding journey.

Module One Recovery and Stage One Anger Sample Audio



If it is now clear that your relationship has ended then you now need to stop investing in your former relationship and it is easier to let go if you realise your life is now full rather than empty. Dumpers tend to let go more quickly, often because they have let go even before they acted to 'dump' their partner and leave the relationship. Failure to let go may be a symptom that you are not facing some painful feelings within yourself.

First what is the definition of letting go? Imagine your hands clasped together with the fingers intertwined, and then imagine pulling those hands apart while you continue to clasp. That gives you a graphic image of what we are talking about. It involves the painful letting go of all the strong emotional feelings for another person.

At this stage in our work together we explore both the blocks which may exist as well as examining those positive areas where you have moved forward and let go of key elements of your former relationship.

Module One Recovery and Stage One Letting Go Sample Audio



It is OK to feel good about yourself. Here we explore how you can learn to feel better about yourself and gain strength to help you adjust better to a crisis in your life. As you successfully adjust to this crisis, you will feel even better about yourself. For some people it as if they are experiencing a personal identify crisis, you may be seriously creating strains on your current relationship now with friends and also in the future.

" When I was a child, my father continually warned me about getting a 'big head' and becoming 'stuck on myself. Then I went to church and learned that I had been born sinful. At school it was big boys and those with the brains who got all the attention. Finally I married so there would be someone who thought I was worthwhile. It made me feel good that someone cared. But then she started to point out my faults to me. I finally reached a point where I began to believe I was truly worthless. It was then that I decided to leave the marriage." Carl

Your self concept is the skeleton which support your personality. Here we can see that when the self-concept becomes fractured, the whole personality begins to fragment.

Apparently we learn much of how we feel about ourselves at an early age from the significant people around us including our parents as well as siblings, relatives and teachers. This basic level of self-concept is later influenced by our peers especially during our impressionable teenage years. As an adult your partner becomes a primary source of validation and feedback and greatly affects your feelings of self-worth.

However for many, until they realise this all important fact, the paradox is that when the physical separation comes and the relationship ends, self-concept hits an all-time low. When the relationship fails the identity suffers.

Module Two Adjustment and Stage Seven Exploring Self Concept Sample Audio



The support you receive from friends is very important and can shorten the time it takes to adjust to both your current and future life transitions. Friends are more valuable than your former partner at this point in the rebuilding process. You can develop friends of both sexes without becoming romantically or sexually involved with them however we need to realise how the ending a relationship is threatening to many who are in a relationship so some friends may slip away from you at this point in time.

" Maria and I had lots of friends and family around all the time. Most weekends we'd have dinner parties or go over to her sister's place, or meet locally with two or three other couples. Since we split up, none of those people ever call me or drop by. How come married people don't seem to want us around when we are single? " Paul

When we go through the process of separation some people insist on being on their own. They tend to withdraw and feel uncomfortable being around people. Then you will notice others who are continually clinging to other people as though they cannot be alone for a single minute. Always walking arm in arm they plan ahead so that they have do not have part of the journey to walk by themselves.

There are four common reasons why we separate from those friends we had when we were in a relationship:

Number one is that when we are ending a relationship you suddenly become more eligible as a future partner and may be viewed as a possible partner for one of the people in another relationship. So whereas you were formerly invited to all the parties as a couple because you were safe, now you are single you can be seen as a threat. Suddenly people are looking at you as eligible and invitations to certain friend's parties diminish accordingly.

The second reason we tend to loose friends is that for some people those who have ended their relationship create a very polarising situation for others. Friends tend to support one or other partners thus we tend to lose the friends who have sided with our former partner.

The third reason is probably the most important: the fear that 'If it can happen to you, it can happen to me' so the ending of your relationship is very threatening to many relationships around you and may form the basis why many such 'friends' appear to slip away. Although you may be feeling rejected quite honestly it is their problem and a reflection on them rather than on you. So, instead of feeling rejected understand that the ending of your relationship has caused them to feel very insecure.

The fourth aspect of friendship which is important to understand while you are going through ending your relationship and rebuilding is that people in committed loving relationships are considered to be part of mainstream, accepted couple orientated society and separated people become part of the single subculture, a part of society which is less acceptable to many. So to be pushed out of the acceptable mainstream culture into the 'questionable' singles subculture is a difficult adjustment.

Module Two Adjustment Recovery and Stage Eight Friendships Sample Audio



Earlier experiences are extremely influential in our life and the attitudes and feelings we develop in relationships with parents, family, friends and partners are bound to carry over into new relationships. Some of these attitudes and feelings are helpful in new relationships and others are not.

As we have explored earlier common leftover problem, even for adults, is an unresolved need to rebel against constraints such as parental rules. Recognise the valuable leftovers so you can keep and nourish them and then work at changing those which simply get in the way.

For example:

Thelma was talking about how hard it was with her former partner.

" Sometimes he sounds like his father when he criticises me and I just can't help but fly off the handle at him. It's not fair for me to do that, but I can't stop it. "

Peter reported that he grew up with a father who was always criticising him to his face but then would tell others how proud he was of his son. He decided that he wanted to be praised to his face so in choosing a partner he found a woman who he thought would give him lots of praise. After a period of time in their relationship, he realised that he had chosen a critical woman even though he had tried not to. Peter clearly stated in our session:

" I don't understand what happened- I never thought I'd choose someone like my father. "

Rick and Paul had a very respectable committed relationship, with a lifestyle very much like that of their parents. Suddenly Paul's behaviour changed. He began to associate with a younger crowd, started all kinds of activities which he had never tried before, and took more time for himself, apart from the relationship. One day he reported back to Rick that he felt :


"too confined in the relationship and that he was going to have to go off and get his head on straight."

So how much are you carrying in terms of leftovers from earlier days? You may have learned to carry extra weight in your past relationship or perhaps in your relationships with parents, other siblings, friends or others while you grew up. Time to unload those unneeded burdens. You may have thought that you left all those hang-ups behind so maybe you didn't realise they existed until a new relationship came along and then you were forced to look into your back to see what you were still carrying forward in your life.


LOVE. . . . . . . .

Many people need to relearn how to love in order to love more maturely. Your capacity to love others is based on your capacity to love yourself as I explore in The Power of Caring series. Learning to love yourself is not selfish and conceited in fact it is the most mentally healthy thing you can do. There are a number of specific steps you can take to increase your self love and connection with your true self.

Over the past thirty five years I have asked thousands of people to do this exercise in my seminars as well as one to one sessions and it normally proves a very difficult assignment for most people to do. Many people say

'' I thought I knew what love is but I guess I don't "

In fact many people feel inadequate about their definition of love. Love is like a diamond and you can view it from many different directions and there is no right or wrong way of defining it. There is only the way you feel about love.

In our society many people have stereotyped love to be something you do for somebody or to somebody. Very few people realise that love is something that should be centred within you and that the basis of loving others originates from the love you have for yourself.

A somewhat cynical definition upon which many relationships are based is:

"Love is the warm feeling that you get toward somebody who meets your neurotic needs."

Clearly this is a definition of neediness rather than love.

Because we are not whole and complete people but have emotional deficiencies we try to fill those emotional deficits by 'loving' another person. What we lack in ourselves we hope to find in the other person in other words many of us are half people trying to love someone in order to become whole.

Module Two Adjustment and Stage Ten of Love Sample Audio



If you say you can't trust a man or woman in a relationship then you are saying more about yourself than about the man or woman. Many relationships at this stage in the rebuilding process are often attempts to heal wounds and many are transitional or short-term. So at this stage by building a basic level of trust within yourself, you can experience satisfying emotionally closer and intimate relationships.

At this stage in the recovery process you may see people walk a distance from potential partners. They are like a wild animal that when someone comes close, they run for cover the minute you move toward them. These people talk about relationships a great deal of the time, and they seem to want to date and to be with potential partners. But as soon as someone makes a move toward them, they run and shout 'stay away!' Clearly they are still severely wounded by 'love'.

The ending of a relationship process can be viewed in two major steps. The first is learning to be a single person again ready to face life alone with the issues of the past cleared away. The second step is learning to love again after you have both rebuilt your emotional strength and sustained a balanced relationship with your real self so that you then ready to engage in a long term committed relationship. Clearly, if you complete the first step then step two will be easier.

Here at this stage we explore common types of relationships to examine the basis of your current or former relationship so that you are clear what works and what doesn't work for you in the future.

Module Three Freedom and Stage Eleven Trust Sample Audio



When you are just separated it is normal to be extremely fearful of sex. However, during the adjustment process, you can develop your personal morality to express your unique sexuality.

The single subculture emphasise authenticity, responsibility and individuality more than rules. So you can discover what you believe rather than what is expected of you. The great difference in attitudes is that male and female sexuality appears to be a myth. But your adjustment could be complicated by the major changes currently taking place in female, male and same sex identities.

What was your attitude to those swinging single people when you were in a relationship? Did you wonder if they were sexual athletes that they were rumored to be? And did you fantasize what it would be like to have a date with a different and exciting person each night of the week?

Now you are single look at the people around you. Many are spending evenings in alone. But take heart this part of the journey can be one of the most difficult but it gets easier as you become accustomed to being single. You have not been out on a date in years and the first person you ask turns you down. You attend various events anxious that someone will not approach and chat you up and equally petrified that someone will. If someone should make a pass at you then the thought is enough to make you stay at home, alone, forever.

There are three stages in this rebuilding block. Each of these three stages of sexuality affects us personally a great deal as we go through the adjustment process and we will explore and discuss in detail during our one to one online sessions.

Module Three Freedom and Stage Twelve Sexuality Sample Audio



Most committed relationships that end in separation where out of balance in terms of responsibility. One partner was over-responsible and the other was under-responsible. When couples try to change this system of interaction, it is often the beginning of the end of the relationship for many people.

Feelings and attitudes within us keep us operating in the under-responsible or over responsible style; one may have to make some major changes to come from an adult balanced relationship view. Equal responsibility relationships are more flexible and able to adjust to stress and change and therefore are more likely to last.

In this stage our sessions focus on the different forms of relationship and ways of relating responsibility.

Module Three Freedom and Stage Thirteen Responsibility Sample Audio



Here you emphasize investment in your own personal growth rather than in relationships. A period of singleness enables you to build confidence in yourself so you can experience and enjoy being single as an acceptable alternative lifestyle and not as a time to be lonely. However it is easy to become stuck in this rebuilding block as a means of avoiding another intimate relationship.

Many people never learned to be single people before they entered a committed relationship. They went from parental homes to sharing a home with their partner, never even considering that one could be happy living as a single person, and never questioned the myth that once in a committed relationship they would live a 'happy ever after life'.

Before the singleness stage, one may be looking for the 'lost half.' but during this rebuilding stage one reaches the point of comfort in going out alone. No longer is a 'date' necessary to avoid embarrassment or feeling a failure. The quality of relationships improves, since one now chooses who to go out with spending time together sharing rather than needing. Other people may be encountered and enjoyed for who they are, rather than as a potential lifetime companions.

Module Three Freedom and Stage Fourteen Singleness Sample Audio



We are now at the end of the rebuilding journey and we have arrived at FREEDOM.

By working with me through the rebuilding blocks you can now build more meaningful relationships for the future. Why? Because you have the FREEDOM to choose to either be free and happy as a single person or enter into another relationship. Freedom is being who you really are and living your life to the full.

Here we look back over the process we have worked through together and explore:

What was the most enjoyable and interesting part of the rebuilding process for you.

What was the most difficult and challenging?

Now, what was the most painful?

Now we review and identify the many changes that have taken place within you and how you have reached a place of embracing these shifts emotionally and how these experiences have been communicated to your logical conscious mind.

Many people have had considerable difficulty with one or more of the rebuilding blocks after a relationship ends. As we will have worked through the rebuilding process, overcoming each stumbling blocks, then you are able to enter into another relationship and make it more productive than the last one. You will be able to meet your own needs and the needs of your loved one(s) much better than in the past. Rebuilding not only helps you to survive the crisis, but it also enhances your future relationships.

Module Three and Stage Fifteen Freedom Sample Audio




Many people ask me about how the rebuilding stages relate to children. The process of adjustment for children is very similar to that for adults. The rebuilding stages apply to the children (as they may to other relatives such as grandparents, aunts, uncles, and close friends).

Many parents get so involved in trying to help their children work through the adjustment process that they neglect to meet their own needs.

If you're a parent who is embarking on the Rebuilding journey, I recommend that you learn to take care of yourself and work through the adjustment process. You will find that your children will tend to adjust more easily as a result. The nicest thing you can do for your child is to get your own act together. Children tend to get hung up in the same rebuilding stages as their parents, so by making progress yourself, you will be helping your children, too.

I have created special written and audio recording materials if you wish to work with me in regard to you and your children.

Children Must Rebuild Sample Audio



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